Yeah, so when I said I wasn’t fickle?  I changed my mind.  I started unpacking our stuff… at the house.  Yes, we have decided to stay.  Gas is down to $1.80 a gallon, so that cut my gas budget by half, so we can afford a little more than before.  We’ll stick it out and work out butts off as long as we can.  I have decided that when I go back to school, I will study to be a paralegal and try to get in a family law firm.  Then someday I’d like to be president and revoke most of the welfare programs currently in place.  I’d also make it harder for people to get disability if they were not actually disabled.  And get rid of Nancy Pelosi.  She sucks.

Paul and I are doing pretty good.  Still planning the wedding.  Still trucking along.  Stuff with the kids is getting complicated because their mother is a piece of crap who abuses the system and brainwashes the children.  My only consolation is that eventually people get what is coming to them.  She’ll get hers and it won’t be from me and I am just fine with that.

Still not pregnant.  Though, we’ve been trying really hard.  Ha.  It’ll happen when it happens.

Life is short and so am I and now I need to finish the laundry.

We stayed at home this week.  It helps when trying to get pregnant to not be in a house with a lot of people.  It is also wonderful to sleep in my own bed again.  I don’t look forward to moving, but I know it is for the best.  We are going to rent the house out until Spring, I think and then try to sell it.  Either way, the mortgage will be covered and we’ll keep trucking on.

I’m tired.  I shouldn’t be.  I fell asleep last night when I was supposed to be making dinner, so Paul promised to take me on a date tonight.  :)  I don’t know how I managed to get him to go for that one, but I’m excited.   I love going out with Paul and just talking and living life.  I can’t wait to have a baby and be a family with him.  Our baby is going to be so cute.  Little Benjamin or little Madilynn will be so loved. 

Doing a ton of laundry today.  It’s cold and dark outside.  I want to curl up in bed with Paul, but I have to wait for him to get home first.  (Can you tell I am tired, this post is so pointless.  Ha.)

Still trucking away at the novel.  I’ve re-started it about 4 times now and in each of the stories someone dies.  We’ll see how the story ends.  I may or may not post it at the end of the month.  We’ll see.  I just want to finish it, you know?

Okay, my attention span is now shut off.  Back to laundry.

For me to make a decision and STICK WITH IT is an amazing feat.  It’s not necessarily that I’m fickle, I just like to have options.  (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!)  When Paul and I bought our house in August 2007, we were planning on sticking around for about 10-15 years.  Sadly, after I quit my job and started working an hour away, it became quite difficult to make the commute and save money.  So, after much thought, tears and frustration, we have decided to sell our house.

We will be moving in with Paul’s parents for the winter to save money, as they live 30 minutes closer to our jobs.  We’ll either rent the house for the winter or sell it outright.  If we rent it, we’ll sell it in the Spring.  A place where a friend of my mom’s husband works is going out of business and relocating closer to our city, so all of those people will be looking for places to live up here.  So, the guy said he’d put a listing of our house up on the board at work and maybe we’ll get someone interested in renting or buying.

It’s sad because we’ve made so many memories in our house, but I’m also excited… this is a new adventure for us.  It’s a chance for new memories.  After the winter is up, we’ll start looking for a place of our own to rent for a while.  Eventually, once the kids are a little older, we’d like to move out of state.

That being said, at this point, I’m not holding my breath that they’ll suddenly get a clue that living with us is what is truly best for them.  I understand a child will love their parent, no matter how awful their parent is to them, but sometimes… I wish they realized the truth.  Paul would die for those kids and instead, they’re with a woman who is so consumed with her drug use and her own selfish desires that she cannot see her children are suffering.  Someday the girls will realize the truth… and when they do, we’ll do what we have to.

Anyway, I’m at my parents house and I need to get home to get things ready to start another week at my in-laws.  I also need lunch and a nap.  :)  Paul is helping with a fundraiser at the Colts game, so I won’t get to hang out with him this afternoon.  I haven’t gotten the cd from my sister-in-law to make reprints or upload, but I did manage to scan one picture from the wedding.  Eat your hearts out, ladies. 

Paul & Shannon Vaughn

Paul and I called a truce.  I had it in me to be good and mad for a while, but after everything we’ve already gone through, I needed my husband back.  I needed my support system and my friend.  It may take a while to feel secure again, but I have to try.  Paul is the one I am meant to spend my life with and whether he makes decisions that cause us to part for a while, I hold fast to the vows I made on September 15.

In spite of this, or maybe because of it, we have been getting along better.  We’ve been opening up more and I have even been letting my guard down and sharing things with my husband that I had kept bottled up.  I had a realization one night that I held back because of the hurtful things other men have done to me.  I held Paul personally responsible for things he had not done.  Yes, the things HE did hurt me to the core of my being, but some of the pain I held on to had nothing to do with him.

There has been much fear in my heart toward men due to the painful events that occured in 2004 when I was raped by an ex-boyfriend.  I never feared that Paul would sexually assualt me, but the shell I put around myself to protect me kept me from allowing him inside my heart.  I loved him, yes, but there were many parts of me I could not bring myself to give him.

There was another ex-boyfriend who messed up my heart pretty badly and I let all that anger and frustration from that failed relationship keep me from talking to Paul about anything.  I had been so trained that everything I said was stupid and that I was probably crazy, so I should keep any ridiculous thoughts I had to myself.  Paul is actually interested in what I have to say and cares about my thoughts, so you can see how this threw me a bit.

In the days since the BIGGEST FIGHT OF OUR RELATIONSHIP, we’ve taken a little more time to try to think of the other person in regard to our words, our actions and our decisions.  It hasn’t been perfect and there have been a few tiff’s, but all in all, I think we’re finally on the right path.

Which leads me to… we’re trying for a baby.  I know right now is NOT the right time.  I know right now is probably the worst time since we’re moving, living with in-laws, newly married, getting over a HUGE crisis and finacially strapped… but somehow, it just feels right.  With my fertility issues, we’re going to give it a year of trying ourselves and then we’re going to depend on doctors for advice.

Note to anyone who may consider trying to get pregnant: Looking up online HOW to get pregnant can be tricky and slightly porny.  It has, however, caused quite a few interesting situations with my husband and I.  We discovered that I cannot stand on my head, that pillows do add a few inches of height to help things move downward and trying to schedule sex does NOT work for us.  We decided to space it out to every 3 days and discovered that we have no will power.

So, ovulation kits and trying to keep from jumping my husband every time he looks at me funny and life and love and all that stuff is keeping me quite occupied.  And if that weren’t enough, I also signed up for the National Novel Writing Month, which requires writing a 50,000 word BOOK!  Did you notice that I am not a great writer?  Yeah, it shall be interesting!

Anyway, I think I’ll go lay down with Paul for a while before I have to make dinner.  Sorry for talking about our sex life so much. 

I was tagged by Jennifer.

Six quirky or little known things about me… with the help of my lovely husband, Paul.

1. I hate Wheel of Fortune.  Pat Sajak and Vanna White weird me out, but what really gets me are the contestants that scream, “BIG MONEY!”  Yeah, I always want to tell them to shut up and buy a vowel.
2. I don’t like massages.  They hurt.  Paul tries to rub my back or neck and I cringe.  I think it’s a body image thing.
3. I love road trips like WHOA.  There is NOTHING better than packing a bag, getting a cooler full of goodies and hitting the road with a mix cd of crazy chick music.  My favorite vacations have been destination-free.
4. I love when Paul spoons me while we sleep.  His arms pulling me tight against him wih his body pressed against mine is the most awesome thing in the world.  Especially when he kisses the back of my neck.
5. Sometimes I want to move to a Western state, change my name and pretend I’m someone else and start a whole new life.  I’d be Georgia Peach or Praline Pie or something.  Those kinda sound like porn names, though, so…
6. I could go for a huge diet doctor pepper right now.

Wow, I sucked at that.

I tag EVERYONE I KNOW.  If you read me, consider yourself tagged.

I’m sitting on the day bed in my in-law’s living room.  Paul, exhausted from working third shift at the factory is curled up on the futon to my left.  I steal glances at him every few minutes and I am completely smackered at the amount of love I have for that boy.  My entire life and heart are curled up on a futon, wrapped in a quilt and though the world around me be falling, my heart is not afraid because of the powerful love that takes my breath away.

That being said, my mother-in-law was supposed to be up an hour ago to help me start cleaning out her massive amount of boxes from the room that will serve as Paul and I’s bedroom when we move in.  I can’t recall if I’ve mentioned that yet and I’m too lazy to go through old posts to find out… but we will be moving in with Paul’s parents to save LOTS of gas money as they live MUCH closer to work.  We’ll also be saving a house payment ($700) and utilities ($350).  Since our income went WAY DOWN for a while, it became necessary to cut as many expenses as possible.

In other news, I want to have a baby.  I know it’s bad timing, but I WANT ONE.  Someone beat me.

I hear stirring, so I must go kiss Paul or else I will surely die.  Later on.

Did you know if you don’t pay your cable bill, they WILL come shut it off and take your internet, too?  Yeah, bummer.  Paul was without work for a few weeks, so…  We should be moving in the next few weeks and then I’ll be back to being online on a more regular basis, but until then… yeah.

My father-in-law is watching soap operas and TALKING TO THE TV and Paul is resting his head on my shoulder and watching me type.  Wait, he just got up.  The microwave went off and his fries are done.  Gross.  Our lives have been a series of one crazy thing after another since getting married.  (I still do not feel married, by the way.)

About a week and a half ago, I gave up on trying to do everything myself and gave it all back to God.  The hurt, the stress, the fear… and me, too.  My dad fairly did a jig.  He was even more excited when Paul made the same step a week later.

You know, sitting here, trying to write this post about what’s going on in my mind and heart and soul… I find that words are simply not good enough and despite having had complete withdrawl from writing, I would rather kiss my sweet husband and enjoy his company before I go back to work.  For the first time in a long time… there is peace in my soul.

EVEN WITH THE STUPID POLITICAL GARBAGE GOING ON!  (Caitlin, be glad you are in China and not here to listen to all this nonsense.)  The sky is falling.  The world is going to end.  No one will have a job or money.  Blah, blah, blah.  Whatever.  We’ve got one candidate in poor health who won’t fight the good fight and one who can’t back up any of his big words now that the economy has collapsed.  As for vice presidents, I’ll take the chick over the guy who thinks FDR was on t.v. telling the American people about the collapse during the Great Depression. 

Just when I thought life couldn’t get any more interesting… Monday afternoon, Paul and I went to the courthouse where we obtained a marriage license.  Monday evening, we went to my brother’s house where he read us our rights and declared us married.  A few signatures later and it’s a legally binding marriage contract.  Do I feel married?  No.  Therein lies the problem.

We had originally planned on keeping it a secret, however, my brother said that my father has been on his knees praying that Paul and I would make it legal for a long time, to keep us from living in sin.  Dave said that dad would appreciate knowing.  So, we told my parents and then told his and then his siblings and a few relatives and friends.  Needless to say, a lot of people know now.  And I still don’t feel married.

I want to have a wedding.  I have dreamed about having a wedding for as long as I can remember–even when I didn’t think I wanted to get married.  There are things I want to say in front of God and my family to the man I have chosen to spend my life with.  I want to wear a pretty dress and say pretty words and FEEL like it’s REAL.  In many ways, though I am happy to be Paul’s wife, I feel gypped.

So, that’s my story.  It’s Thursday and life is as stressful as ever.  I’m working, Paul isn’t, the mortgage is late, our phone bill is outrageous and I don’t know what is going to happen next week or next month… but now I’m Mrs. Vaughn.  That weighs out the bad, doesn’t it?  Quick, someone tell me its going to be okay.  Hurry… so I can breathe again.

As the world remembers the events that occurred seven years ago, each memory, each account I hear, makes me feel so sad.  I have tried to block it out most of the day, changing the radio station and not watching the news.  I can’t stand to think about it for too long or else the tears overwhelm me.  All those people… all those families.  I think of how fragile life really is and I think of my father… my mother… Paul… and my heart aches at the idea of them ever not being in my life.  God knows the pain death brings to those left behind–He watched His Son suffer and die–and the only refuge I find is in Him and the promise that this is not the end.

I sobbed in the kitchen tonight as I packed up boxes of our belongings.  Paul was on the porch, cleaning and painting to get the house ready for renting out and all I could do is stand in the kitchen where we’ve made so many memories and cry as I wrapped up the tangible pieces of our lives here.  I never believed we’d grow old here, but somehow, I never reckoned on all the events that would take place between the day we got the keys and now.  There has been such heartache and pain, but also joy and more love than I have ever known.

We almost eloped yesterday.  Our hearts are so broken and ache to run a hundred miles an hour into the arms of the Savior… we hold back because until we are married, we will never be able to fully give ourselves to Him.  I am so torn.  I want so much to have the wedding I’ve dreamed of my whole life, but the part of me that is so lonesome for God is almost willing to do anything to go back to Him.

So much is changing and it’s all happening so quickly and there are times when I feel like I’m falling apart.  I want answers… I want things to work out… but most of all, I just want peace.

Before Paul met me, he had a few friends that he spent a lot of time with.  When he met me, well, he didn’t have as much time to spend with them because we were in the early stages of our relationship and wanted to be together all the time.  A few of his friends, one female in particular, took offense to this on multiple levels.  First, she feels I took her place as the female nurturer in his life.  Second, she thinks I took him away from her and her two kids.  He used to spend quite a bit of time with them and once I was in the picture, he wasn’t available as much.

At some point, I guess she had invited Paul and I over for dinner.  I do not remember this event, as I was not the one she invited.  However, she says it happened, so whatever.  We didn’t show up.  Paul had told her two kids (toddlers) that he’d bring Mo over to see them the next day and something came up and he didn’t.  This was OVER A YEAR AGO.  Shortly after this, she told him she was finished with him and didn’t want to be his friend anymore.  More than that, she forbade her husband from seeing Paul.  Her husband was one of Paul’s best friends, so obviously, this hurt.

We moved on with our lives.  Fast forward to the state bowling tournament in May.  She and her husband were there.  Her brother married Paul’s cousin, so there are familial ties there also.  She wouldn’t have anything to do with us and would not let her husband talk to Paul.  It was ludacris.  Paul had made attempts to see what her problem was and she would not speak with him.  I even sent her an email and asked her what was up and tried to make peace, since I felt that some of it probably had to do with me.  She refused to reply.

Anyway, she sent Paul an email and went off about how her daughters had cried and cried because Mo didn’t show up and how if anyone crosses her or hurts her kids, they’re dead to her, blah, blah, blah.  First of all, the kids do not remember any of this now.  At the time, they may have been disappointed, but I’m sure mommy had a whole lot to do with that, reminding them that Mo was supposed to come over and how mean Uncle Paul is and how he doesn’t love them anymore.  Paul went so far as to call her immature and she, in her infinite wisdom (sarcasm) said (paraphrased) that she cannot be immature because she is the mother of two.  Excuse me while I laugh hysterically.  There are thirteen year olds who have babies, but that doesn’t make them mature.  That statement is as weak as her arguments for holding a grudge for the last year.

She said Paul and I had our heads shoved up each others’ rear ends, etc.  At this point, I think she’s forgotten what it’s like to fall in love and want to be with that person all the time.  We got over it and we did things on our own, but the simple fact is, she’s jealous that Paul had someone in his life who was good to him, loved him and took care of him.  She felt like she was replaced.  HELLO, psycho, if you’re married, stop putting so much attention toward a single man and going as far as asking him to come over during a rain storm because you were scared.  That’s what your husband is for.

Needless to say, this bridge is burned and I don’t give a flying squirrel if she “forgives” Paul or not.  I want NOTHING to do with her and she can go back to being petty, immature and stupid.  I’m done.  It’s just sad Paul has to lose his good friend over a childish little girl.